


Crash and Burn

by moonlit_tears



Series: Haikyuu!! Vent Stories [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Caffeine Addiction, Codependency, Depression, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Sad Hinata Shouyou, Sad Kageyama Tobio, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Team Parents Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Underage Sex, Underage Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, anxiety induced twitches/spasms, bad home life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29248224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlit_tears/pseuds/moonlit_tears
Summary: The saddest thing about being in love while mentally ill is watching those you love fall apart at the seams.Hinata and Kageyama know that feeling all too well.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: Haikyuu!! Vent Stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139081
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	Crash and Burn

**Author's Note:**

> Note the tags!!! This is not a happy story, it follows the sad reality that happens sometimes when mentally ill people fall in love. This is written based on my experiences as well as my friends/exes experiences with these issues and how they affect those we love. This is not a good example of a healthy relationship, so please do not take this as an example of a way to model your relationships.

Hinata is clingy. Everyone knows this.

He needs attention to an extent that makes people cringe at the thought of trying to amuse the boy.

It’s hard. Waking up, downing energy drinks and hoping to make it through the day without bothering anyone takes a toll.

The energy drinks make everything worse. They leave his body shaking and occasionally spasming in painful ways, but he can’t stop. He needs to keep up his high energy persona. He barely sleeps and it’s be better to be on edge than spacey and exhausted.

His irregular behaviours and movements often get him odd stares at practice, his teammates never quite understanding what is going on with him.

The only person who comes close to understanding is Kageyama.

Kageyama is exactly what Hinata can not be. Quiet, reserved, and calculated, three things Hinata could never be no matter how hard he tries.

Hinata knows Kageyama is fucked up, they were kinda-sorta dating after all.

Kageyama had said that he could not commit to a relationship, and Hinata had understood, unsure if he could really commit to a relationship either.

It didn’t matter because Kageyama would listen to Hinata ramble on and on about whatever, and he would soothe his anxieties, massage his neck when the twitches got particularly bad, and it was enough for Hinata.

Kageyama would call Hinata in the middle of the night sometimes, gasping for air and sobbing to the red-head, and he would do his best to calm Kageyama down.

They were good for each other.

Except when they weren’t.

———

It’s one night when Hinata feels like his heart might beat out of his chest that he calls Kageyama, hoping, no, needing to be comforted.

“Hey.” Kageyama mumbles into the phone, voice sounding tired and raw, as if he had maybe been crying. “What’s up.”

Hinata starts bawling into the phone, unsure how to put words to what he was even feeling.

“I want to hurt myself.” he manages, his hands shaking so violently it takes both hands to hold the phone steady enough to his ear.

“I’m sorry Hinata.” Kageyama says, he was never good with words, or emotions really. He never knew what to say. “You don’t deserve to feel like that.”

Hinata keeps crying, for a couple reasons.

One, because Kageyama was wrong. He did deserve to feel like this, he was a horrible person who annoyed everyone. If anyone deserved this hurt it was him.

Two, because he had called in hopes that for once Kageyama could be there for him emotionally. He never could be and deep down Hinata knew that, he didn’t know why he kept bothering.

So Hinata tried to calm his own breathing, knowing the only thing to do is hang up, Kageyama couldn’t help him, but his blade could.

“Thanks Yama,” he sniffles, wincing as his neck twitches in a painful way. “I should go now.”

“I’m sorry I’m not emotionally available enough to help.” Kageyama apologizes, sounding regretful.

“No need to say sorry, I understand!” Hinata replies, just like he always does. He is the emotional one in the relationship, knows what to say to try and cheer someone up. Kageyama doesn’t.

When the call ends Hinata can feel the guilt rising up his chest, he knows Kageyama wouldn’t be able to help yet he still bothered him. He’s just worrying him for no reason, being the filthy attention seeker he always has been.

He needs to punish himself for it.

He does, he punishes himself until all he can see is red and he gets hazy from blood loss.

He passes out in a red puddle on a cold floor, thanking his lucky stars he was home alone.

———

They go on walks, both needing to get out of the crushing walls of their houses and get some air.

Kageyama will light a cigarette and offer Hinata one, he always says yes.

Hinata knows that he doesn’t just smoke with him, that Kageyama is addicted, just like he is with cutting.

He feels bad on nights like this when he smokes with him, almost as if he is fuelling his addiction.

But, like clockwork when Kageyama offers him a cigarette he says yes. He doesn’t say how this is the only thing that takes his mind of self harm, not wanting Kageyama to worry, or to stop offering him cigarettes in fear Hinata will get addicted.

It’s almost scary watching him smoke, Hinata will get dizzy after less than half of what Kageyama has said are strong cigarettes but will see Kageyama look completely normal after a couple.

He wonders if it even helps him or if he just does it because he feels he has to.

He wonders if that’s how he is with self harm too.

———

Kageyama craves intimacy when he gets depressed.

They sneak out together to find somewhere secluded to make out.

When clothes come off it’s an unspoken rule that Hinata is to ignore the too skinny frame and Kageyama is to ignore the cuts.

It’s better this way, they tell themselves.

It’s a healthy way to release stress... well... at least healthier than what they find themselves doing alone.

———

It’s another bad day when Suga pulls Hinata and Kageyama aside during practice, making Hinata’s already high anxiety skyrocket.

“Hinata,” Suga begins, voice sweet and comforting in a way Kageyama’s never is when he’s sad. He feels like he could cry on the spot. “I’m worried about you both.”

He tries to suppress how nervous this conversation makes him but it only leads to a painful neck spasm that brings tears to his eyes.

“Why would you be worried?” Playing dumb is easier than admitting to his feelings, he could handle himself just fine.

“Yeah.” Kageyama states, voice emotionless. “We’re both fine.”

“You both are not fine.” Suga retaliates, face coated in concern and worry. “You both are hurting and I want to help you.”

“I promise there is no reason for your concern.” Kageyama promises, seeing the way Hinata is about to break down.

He ignores Suga’s protests and leads Hinata into the change room letting the smaller boy cry on his shoulder.

Hinata didn’t think anything would ever get better.

———

Hinata knows they aren’t good for each other, but he cannot be alone.

It’s selfish of him, he knows, to watch the person he loves deteriorate for his comfort, but isn’t that what Kageyama was doing?

———

“Would you ever quit smoking?” Hinata asks Kageyama after he arrived to his house, seeing the taller with a cigarette already lit in his mouth. 

He had to go over and make sure Kageyama ate something for once, and was tired of the cigarettes knowing they only made it harder for him to eat. 

“Would you ever stop cutting yourself?” Kageyama replies, his voice biting, a contrast to his usual emotionlessness.

“I want to,” Hinata mumbles, watching the way Kageyama glares at the bag of food he is carrying. “I just can’t.”

“Then that’s your answer.”

Hinata sighs, he’s tired of watching this happen to both of them. But he lets it go, unsure of how to help either of them.

———

Hinata doesn’t have anything to eat except energy drinks for a week, his body completely rejecting food, and any time Kageyama tries to make him have something it comes right back out.

Everyone notices what a wreck the two become over the course of a week.

Hinata’s eye bags have developed so dark they look like twin black eyes and his body shakes so violently. Tsukki comments saying he looks like the walking dead.

Kageyama couldn’t eat anything, Hinata knows that he always has to eat less than others so having Hinata eat nothing meant Kageyama had nothing either.

He was spacey and completely out of it, his sets that were always scarily accurate were off, frustrating Kageyama the most.

This time Suga and Daichi both confronted them, bringing the two younger kids aside after everyone left evening practice.

“I think you know why we asked you two to be here.” Daichi addressed the pair, his gaze intense compared to Suga’s soft one.

Hinata didn’t know what to say, looking towards Kageyama to gage his reaction,

“I’m afraid I don’t’t know Daichi.” Kageyama says coolly, Hinata nodding along, deciding to side with Kageyama.

“We both know that isn’t true.” Suga begins, smiling comfortingly, trying desperately to gain the trust of the two first years. “I tried to talk to you alone last time, but you two brushed off my concerns. Now things are the same if not worse.”

Kageyama rolls his eyes while Hinata attempts to hide his shaking. He is afraid, he is not calm or collected like Kageyama, and he did not want to disappoint the taller by messing anything up.

“We are serious.” Daichi says, his almost angry attitude fizzles into one of worry. “We have some suspicions about what’s going on, we do not want to bring this to the teachers if it doesn’t need to be. So one of you better tell us what’s going on.”

“I’ve been too anxious to eat this week.” Hinata blurts out, followed by an agressive neck spasm that has a whimper leave his lips. He realizes he probably shouldn’t have said anything and tries to cover for Kageyama at least. “It’s been worrying Kageyama, he’s been fussing over me so we both aren’t having a good week.”

Hinata feels Kageyama wrapping an arm around him, pulling him into the taller boys slight frame. He tries to suppress the flinch that happens at the surprising action, but fails, having Kageyama squeeze his shoulder comfortingly.

Daichi and Suga share a look, clearly processing what Hinata said, unsure if that is really the full truth.

“Hinata you never told us you had an anxiety disorder.” Suga says, face set in a sad smile. “You should have told us so when you have a bad week you can take it easier.”

Daichi nods along to what Suga says, pausing before speaking. “And Kageyama, you need to take care of yourself, you cannot take on the burden of another persons mental health completely.”

Hinata deflates, he knows what Daichi said is true, you cannot take another persons problems all onto yourself. But if he didn’t shoulder Kageyama’s problems, and he didn’t shoulder Hinata’s, who would?

“Both of you should take the next couple days off.” Suga suggests, glancing at Daichi for permission to continue. When he nods in response he continues. “Neither of you are in condition to play, so take it easy.”

The two agree, realizing that arguing would only look more suspicious, and lead to more questions neither want to answer.

So they head to Kageyama’s house, happy to take a couple days off volleyball.

———-

Kageyama is soothing Hinata as he cries into his shoulder. He says nothing, only rubbing Hinata’s back and holding tight, the only way he knows how to help anyone.

“I want to die!” Hinata sobs, shoulders shaking and hands crumpled tight in Kageyama’s shirt. “It would be so much easier if I was dead!”

Kageyama just holds him tighter, “I can call the ambulance? Have them take you to the psych ward?”

Hinata just shakes his head into his chest, crying harder.

“No, that wouldn’t fix anything!” He’s in hysterics, the thought of being put in the hospital always makes him nauseous. “They would only hold me for a week and then when I’m out my mom would treat me worse than she already does! And then I’d actually kill myself.”

It’s silent for a while, Hinata’s sobs turning into sniffles, which turns into small gasps for air before he’s close to falling asleep on Kageyama’s chest.

“You know I’d kill myself if you died?” Kageyama whispers and Hinata nods, he knows that he’d do the same. “I couldn’t live without you.”

“Neither could I.”

———-

Hinata is spending another day at Kageyama’s house, trying to avoid the constant fights in his house, when Kageyama passes out.

They were only talking, the taller planning on just getting a drink of water when he stands up, eyes rolling back, and falls lifelessly to the floor.

For a second Hinata stares in shock, it’s not every day your kinda-boyfriend passes out in front of you.

He rushes to get some water into a cup, cursing himself for not being more prepared for this situation. He knows Kageyama has an eating disorder, the only surprising thing about this situation is that it hasn’t happened sooner.

He contemplates calling an ambulance, deciding to try and wake Kageyama up first, knowing he would never be forgiven for landing him in the hospital.

He dumps the cold water on his head, trying to find a pulse on his pale neck. When he finds it, he relaxes, it’s slow, but it’s steady, it’s there.

He lays the boy down so he’s not in a crumpled head and gets on top, parting his lips and begins CPR. He isn’t really sure what circumstances one is supposed to administer CPR but it can’t hurt and he doesn’t feel like he has a lot of time to think about it.

Kageyama opens his eyes after a few rotations, eyes unfocused and teary, before they focus on Hinata’s worried ones.

He smiles up at him, whispering a small thank you as Hinata helps him into a seated position, leaning against his bed.

“You need to eat something.” Hinata says, placing a hand over Kageyama’s mouth when he opens to protest. “It wasn’t a question. You are eating something.”

“I can’t.” Kageyama mumbles, tears slipping down his face. “Please don’t make me.”

Hinata hates this, the pleading look in Kageyama’s eyes, the tears, the arguing he knows would ensue if he makes him eat. But he knows he had to eat, he had just passed out.

Hinata wordlessly gets up, Kageyama protesting and trying to get up, failing miserably as he falls right back down.

Hinata comes back with a glass of water and 2 granola bars, he knows they were one of Kageyama’s safe foods and would have the greatest chance of him finishing it.

He hands the glass and a bar to Kageyama, opening the other bar himself. He hopes that if he is eating Kageyama will feel more comfortable eating as well.

Kageyama downs the entire glass of water, leaving Hinata frowning as he knows he is only trying to convince himself he isn’t actually hungry.

He stares at the granola bar in his hands, turning it over, staring at the nutritional contents he undoubtedly has memorized.

“I don’t see why I have to eat, I pass out all the time.”

Hinata’s face falls, biting his lips as his anxiety increases.

“Why didn’t you tell me.”

“Have you ever passed out from cutting?” Kageyama deflects, causing Hinata to look away, not wanting to meet Kageyama’s gaze. “See, we both don’t tell each other things, either because we are ashamed or don’t want the other to worry.”

Hinata nods, but he makes sure that Kageyama finishes the whole bar before wrapping him in a hug and whispering how proud he was of the taller.

———

They are smoking again, Hinata coughing up a lung and Kageyama chuckling softly.

“You are so cute when you smoke.” He says, fluffing Hinata’s soft red hair, ignoring the way Hinata flinches before leaning into the contact. “You are like a little kitten.”

The redhead smiles up at him, relaxed for once in his life. He hates how smoking makes him feel like this, understanding completely why Kageyama is hooked on it.

He passes his half finished cig back to the taller, the world already fuzzy and slow.

Kageyama takes a drag, pulling Hinata into a kiss, blowing smoke into the laters mouth, moaning as Hinata tugs lightly on his hair.

“I love you,” Kageyama mumbles into his lips, moving his hands from Hinata’s jaw to his hips, squeezing and running his hands up his body.

Hinata nods into the kiss, Kageyama knows he won’t say it back, the words unnatural to him with his odd home life, Kageyama takes the nod as him saying it back.

The kiss continues, only stopping momentarily once Kageyama feels bandages under his hands when he’s taking off the other’s pants.

The bandages are wrapped thickly around Hinata’s thighs, though blood still stains bright red through them. Kageyama places a kiss on each thigh, wordlessly trying to comfort Hinata.

He teases the others boxers down, enjoying the pleading whimpers coming from the boy under him.

He runs his hands over hips, licking a stripe up Hinata’s half hard length. When he whines softly at the contact, Kageyama giggles, holding his hips gently as they buck upwards.

“So needy kitten.” He whispers, rubbing circles onto his hips and placing a kiss on the head. “You’re so pretty when you are like this.”

“Please, do something.”

Kageyama obliges, taking the boy into his mouth, sucking and bobbing his head, occasionally groaning when Hinata pulls his hair just right.

Once Hinata finishes, he swallows, pulls Hinata’s underwear and pants back up, and moves to sit beside the smaller.

Now that his distraction is over, he pretends that he doesn’t see the clumps of black hair in Hinata’s hands and brushes off Hinata attempting to return the favour. It’s embarrassing to say he has trouble getting it up.

He tells himself it’s okay.

Hinata tells himself it’s okay.

It’s not okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked chapter one, feedback is always welcome <3 have a lovely day


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